It is a time of freedom and fear, of Gaia and of borders, of many paths and the widening of a universal toll road, emptying country and swelling cities, of the public bought into privacy and the privacy of the public sold into invisible data banks and knowing algorithms. It is the time of the warrior's peace and the miser's charity, when the planting of a seed is an act of conscientious objection.

These are the times when maps fade and direction is lost. Forwards is backwards now, so we glance sideways at the strange lands through which we are all passing, knowing for certain only that our destination has disappeared. We are unready to meet these times, but we proceed nonetheless, adapting as we wander, reshaping the Earth with every tread.

Behind us we have left the old times, the standard times, the high times. Welcome to the irregular times.


Tracking Down Mythological Entities
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
 
Encouraging news today in America's War on Mythological Entities. Satan, arguably the most notorious of them all, has been located. According to Colonel Gary Brandl of the United States Marine Corps, "The enemy has a face. It is Satan's. He is in Fallujah, and we are going to destroy him." (AP, 11/8/04)

Pentagon officials unveiled their plan of attack on. "There's nothing Satan hates more than urban warfare," said Ronald Dumbsfeld, secretary of the Ministry of Peace, "we've got him on the run." A Bush administration official commented, "We're turning the corner in the war against mythological entities."

Other mythological entities have proven elusive.

The Easter Bunny was spotted outside Witchita last spring, but officials at the Mythological Security Department admit they haven't been able to track his movements. "It's that darn onorthodox mode of locomotion," confessed Dom Bridge, Head of Mythological Security, "You never know where he's going to turn up next. $98 billion has been earmarked to states and localities to beef up monitoring of bunny trails, but so far we have had little success."

The Indian divinity Shiva has been seen recently in South Asia. "He's on our list of mythological entities," Bridge confirmed.

Good news seemed imminent last fall, when Jesus was reportedly detected in the patterns of rust on the side of a water tank outside Waco, Texas. Mythological security agents were immediately dispatched to the scene, but returned empty-handed. "It just didn't look like him," Agent Mulder said at the time. "Yeah, we were pretty disappointed. We thought we finally got one."

Especially worrisome in the coming months is Santa Claus. "Do we know there's the intent to cause trouble? No," said Dumbsfeld, "But this guy has unfettered access to millions of American residences. He's completely circumventing customs and immigration. There's no telling what he could do. This will not stand."


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