This week, George W. Bush made a prime-time speech on national television declaring that the United States military must now make a pre-emptive strike against Antarctica. Bush claimed that International teams of scientists assembled in research camps on the icy continent are, in fact, members of Saddam Hussein's conspiracy to develop nuclear weapons.
"We've known for a long time that we can't trust these ecoterrorist climatologists. Some of them are French, you know," Bush explained. "Now we've got proof that these pointy-headed scientists are part of an evil international plot to destroy us. The scientists in Antarctica hate us because of our freedom! They can't stand that we don't have to wear funny-looking parkas year-round."
In support of George W. Bush's call for a new war against the evil of Antarctica, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz testified before a Senate committee, explaining that the war could be paid for through the sale of Antarctic ice cubes. "The Antarctic ice shelves are wasted resources", he said, "that we must occupy for the sake of our homeland security! Gone are the days when America can be dependent upon foreign ice!"
Secretary of State Colin Powell rushed to the United Nations, where he gave a two-hour presentation that included satellite imagery of what he claimed were squadrons of penguin drones, armed with chemical weapons. Powell cited a British intelligence dossier that warned that such drones could attack Washington D.C. within 14 minutes of a command from either Saddam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden, who, according to Secretary Powell, are now collaborating on an album of world music, a line of designer neckties, and a talk show on AM radio.
Elsewhere at the United Nations, a panel of weapons experts met to discuss the assertions of the Bush Administration. The panel's organizer, Dr. Ward Monger, agreed with the president that Antarctica is a vile, wretched place of evil, but spoke to the group about the need for patience, calling for the assembly of a team of inspectors to search Antarctica for its alleged weapons of mass destruction. However, his comments were interrupted by a group of Fox News employees chanting "Support our troops!"
So far, the Canadian government has refused to assist the United States in its planning for a military invasion and occupation of Antarctica, withholding advisors from its Fighting Walruses, a division of the Canadian military that specializes in combat in extremely cold conditions. In response to Canada's lack of cooperation, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "We don't need the help of Old North America," and cited the promises of cooperation that the Bush Administration has already received from Costa Rica and the Bahamas. Dennis Hastert joined in the war effort by introducing a bill in the House of Representatives that would require the cafeteria in the Capitol Building to rename the Canadian Bacon on its menu as "Freedom Bacon."
We'll keep you updated on developments in what the Pentagon is now calling Operation: Frigid Freedom. In the meantime, don't lick that flagpole, soldier! That tongue belongs to the United States National Guard!
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