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Irregular Astrology!

irregular actionEver notice how so many astrologers are only able to give you the most general information about your future, offering predictions that could be true for anyone but never really tell you what you want to know? Well, we here at Irregular Times are truly in touch with the vibrations of the positively premonitory projections from the spiritual plane of astral cosmic consciousness, so we can tell you exactly what's coming into your future. That's right, we're the real thing, and we've studied the science of how everyone born at the same time shares identical destinies, including identical twins who lead separate lives and die at different times of different causes after leading different careers. We are irregular astrologers, and we can tell you all about your future, if you dare to find out!

Aquarius

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Aquarius is the water-bearer. But what is a water bear? If you look up water bears in your encyclopedia you probably won't find anything because these creatures are not very familiar to the general public. However, if you ask a biologist, you will find out that water bears are microscopic animals with cute little stumpy legs who are able to dry out for a long period of time and blow around in the wind until they land in a pond where they are reanimated and then eaten by an aquatic predator. Scientists call water bears Tardigrades because of their aversion to ham. It is therefore a common joke among astrologers that people born under the sign of Aquarius sometimes go their whole lives without ever buying a foreign car. Does this sound like you?

Aries

irregular book of the month You will create a really great web page with excellent content, interesting but not too cute graphics, a good amount of links and not very many ads at all, but when you try to get listed on Altavista, you will be unable to find your site no matter how many times you submit your URL. After 2 years of frustration, while looking up some information for your new veterinarian neighbor, you will find that your website can only be found on the search engine when one searches for the phrase "dog and pony show". What relation this incident has to your future as a designer of plaids for The Gap will remain unclear until, as you work on a new tartan design for a zip-up vest that creates a pattern out of cream, off-white and parchment colored threads, you spill bleach on the material and realize that it all comes out in the wash.

Cancer

You know how they show specific trailers before different movies to appeal to certain kinds of people? Horoscopes are like that. Once, during a summit meeting with General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev, Jimmy Carter confessed that he had committed embezzlement in his heart, fantasizing about taking all of the money out of the Federal Treasury and taking it to Las Vegas for the weekend. Gorbachev responded with the traditional Russian toast, "das vidanya", which can be roughly translated into English as "to the wisdom of your ancestors". As a Cancer, sometimes you wish you were like Mikhail Gorbachev, but deep down in your heart, you're Jimmy Carter.

Capricorn

Capricorn, don't turn around. There's someone standing about 5 feet behind you, softly blowing onto your neck. Can you feel your neck hairs rise up? It's okay to turn around now, the person has left the room. Earlier today, the same person went into your bathroom and stole some of your toothpaste. Go ahead and look - I'll bet there isn't as much left as you thought there was. Okay, but now about you: have you noticed that as you've aged, you don't get static-electric shocks as much as you used to? You can shuffle around on your shag carpet in your socks in the dead of winter for an hour straight, but when you go to touch that metal doorknob, nothing happens, right? This change is due to a common side-effect of aging: a cumulative deficiency of the mineral silicium in your bone marrow. Luckily, the treatment for this deficiency is simple. All you need to do is go to your local drugstore, find a package of AAA batteries and press them to your forehead for 30 seconds. Experts advise you not to buy the batteries, because they need to be in a public space to pick up the mental energies of the people walking around them. Do this every morning before you take a shower, and within a month, you'll be getting and giving static-electric shocks to everyone you know!

Gemini

As a Gemini, you are both blessed and cursed with a dual nature that is at once both comforting and more annoying than a live mosquito trapped in your inner ear. You don't believe in astrology, but you're reading this horoscope. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't. The first time you had sex, you really enjoyed it, but at the same time you couldn't understand why you wanted to do it in the first place. In public, you deride those who predict Y2K disasters, but at home you keep a secret cache of safety matchsticks in a sealed plastic bag taped to the underside of your microwave. You are a member of your local NPR classical music radio station, but you also own a videotape labeled "Howard's End" which really is a copy of an old Debbie Gibson video called "Shake Your Love". You sit alone at night, watching over and over again the part where Debbie does that little funky dance step while singing "Shake your love, I just can't shake, just can't shake your love!" Her socks don't quite match, do they? Understand why MTV broadcast the video in spite of this glaring error and you will understand the greatest mystery of life itself.

Leo

You will be asked to be a guest pundit on a news talk show, but the week before the show you will be accidentally locked in your basement. Unable to meaningfully speak about the week's events, you will instead respond to all questions by saying, "The very fact that you ask me that question shows that you haven't bothered to do your research. I suggest that you read Edward Ferguson's biography of Millard Fillmore to understand this issue from a 19th Century perspective." As a result of this appearance, you will be offered a job as a lobbyist for a pharmaceuticals manufacturer which creates placebos for pets. Returning to the same talk show 6 months later, you explain "The important thing is that your cat must not realize that it is just being fed a sugar pill."

Libra

You owe me money. For the last 5 years, you've been coming to my apartment and borrowing $50 every week. I've felt sorry for you, so I haven't asked for any of it back yet. I thought I should warn you that your debt is getting pretty high, though. At a 50 percent monthly interest rate, your balance will soon exceed your projected lifelong earnings. You may not recall any of this because you're using the money to treat a mental illness unknown to science and part of the syndrome is that the memories of your economic transactions are suppressed until a qualified astrologer helps to recover them through radical distance electronic horoscopical therapy. Don't worry. I have copies of our loan agreements which your alter-ego has signed in its own handwriting if you need proof. Also, I have received a license in TV/VCR Repair Studies from an accredited university.

Pisces

The bad news is that nothing at all interesting will ever happen to you until you die. The good news is that you are extraordinarily patient.

Sagittarius

At times, people think of you as gullible, yet you resent this perception, feeling that it ignores the beauty of your trusting nature. Did you know that gullible spelled backwards is generous? Only the most innocent of souls realize this great truth. The word gullible is derived from the Old English word gillhollow, which is the depression in the head of a fish through which it acquires life-giving oxygen while swimming upside-down. The term gullible was therefore originally used to describe a person who had gained a form of wisdom inscrutable to others. The next time someone calls you gullible, let them know about the background of the word and they will realize that you are indeed gullible in the true sense of the term.

Scorpio

Just like all other people born under the sign of Scorpio, you are unique. Under the guidance of the stars, you follow your own path. Your innate zodiacal nature causes you to differentiate yourself from others and rebel against the conformity that others worship as you form a subculture of individuality with other Scorpios. Later this year, you will make a successful presentation before the board of directors of the Publisher's Clearinghouse who will award you with a grant to create a magazine to represent the individuality scene.

Taurus

There are certain places in every city where no one goes after dark. In my city, one such place is a huge municipal golf course. There are no fences, no security systems, and no police patrols to keep people out. Nonetheless, no one walks there at night. Most people who live in the area simply don't like to walk outside after sunset because they feel the night is unsafe in itself. As for myself, I love the emptiness of the golf course after dark, and often go there in the autumn after the mosquitoes have all gone into hibernation. I lie down on the greens near the holes and watch the stars for hours. You think I'm talking about myself, but actually, this describes you as well. You are the grass on the golf course where a precious few people lie down to watch the stars at night. You use too much pesticide to keep yourself green, however, and are in danger of giving yourself cancer. Also, it would be environmentally beneficial for you to plant a few more trees in which birds could take cover. During the day, your fees are really pretty stiff and the people that play on you are not representative of the racial and economic diversity of your neighborhood. Are you taking steps to correct this problem?

Virgo

The astrological sign Virgo got its start at a picnic on a Mediterranean island when a Scythian asked the poet Virgil for his name after the two tied for first place in an ice cube sucking contest. You therefore have a great fear of small birds which leads you to carry a BB gun whenever you walk alone outside. In order to solve this problem, you will attend a form of group therapy which encourages people to resolve their personal issues by forming independent political parties and running for President of the United States. Your party, the Real Alec Baldwin Party, will be formed around the idea that Alec Baldwin was kidnapped by the queen of England in 1979 and that Prince Charles in makeup has been playing all of Alec Baldwin's screen roles since. You will run for office in 2004, but will only become qualified for inclusion on the ballot in New Jersey and will come in 5th there, probably due to vote tampering.

Jesse Helms

You were born under your own star, and thus it is easy to predict your future. After George W. Bush's office of faith-based bigotry funds a charity run by the Ku Klux Klan, you will retire from the Senate and be nominated for an appointment as U.S. Ambassador to East Timor. Carol Mosely Brown, who will have since completed her tour of duty as Ambassador to New Zealand and been re-elected to the Senate to chair the Foreign Relations Committee which approves ambassadorial nominations, will delay consideration of your appointment for 14 months through creative use of Congressional procedures. A year later, will bump into Alice Walker on a New York City sidewalk and the two of you will fall into a passionate love affair.




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