"Let our words ring forth throughout this great land...

These Bowel Obstructions Will Not Stand!"

-- November 21, 2001 --
-- Washington, DC --

In a stirring speech today before a special session of Congress, President George W. Bush declared war on intestinal blockages.

"My fellow Americans," Bush intoned, "we are grieved by the loss of 6,000 lives in the attacks on the World Trade Center. Well, actually turns out it was 3,000, but you get my drift. Any killer of so many innocent Americans can not be allowed to continue to strike. We must recognize Bin Laden as an evil man and punish him for his evil deeds."

"But Osama Bin Laden is not the only evildoer on the lurk, using the evil weapons at his disposal. It has come to my attention that there are many other sources of evil in the United States, threatening the lives of Americans at every step, making our nation vulnerable. These sources of terror must be named and brought to an end!"

irregular action"Consider car accidents on our nation's highways. This year, twelve times as many people as died in the World Trade Center attacks will be killed in car 'accidents.' We mourn these innocents' passing. But their deaths are no accidents, my fellow Americans! We have had huge numbers of auto collisions for years, yet nobody has had the courage to nip this scourge in the bud. Mark my words: these cars are being used toward evil ends. It is time to declare war on car terror!"

"In times of war, we must all make sacrifices. I, for one, suggest you go shop some more -- buy a Furby. But more will be asked of you. If you are not with America in its fight against car terror, you are against America. If you are caught speeding, you will be indefinitely detained and brought before a military tribunal. Your car will be stopped and searched at regular intervals to make sure your tires are properly inflated. And we will bomb the Koreans into oblivion for sneaking cheap cars that crumple on impact across our borders -- curse their Kias! curse their Hyundais! The terror stops here! The terror stops now!"

"My fellow Americans, the war against terror must be fought on multiple fronts. Did you know that two times the number of people who died on September 11 die every year from abdominal hernias and bowel obstructions? These are evil hernias striking at our hearts. These are evil bowel obstructions. They cut savagely at the loins of America."

"I declare from this day forth that we will have zero tolerance for gastrointestinal distress. The first to go from our blessed nation will have to be the immigrants. They bring all kinds of weird food across our borders that gives us gas and makes us constipated. But these are not the only enemies of America. The French, it has been discovered, are part of an evil plot that has been carried out for some years. By sending all sorts of tasty cheeses to our supermarkets, they tempt thousands upon thousands innocent yet lactose-intolerant citizens to their bloated doom. Any state that harbors gastronomical terror is as guilty as the terrorists themselves. So, starting tomorrow, we strafe the Champs Elysee until they promise to send us more lactaid."

"We know at this time that God is on our side in this mighty battle. And we must be resolved. We must stand together. Now is not a time for petty dissent -- look at how many innocent Americans have died! Only by tarnishing constitutional freedoms can we make our highways and digestive pathways safe from terror. We must declare, loudly, proudly, and with all our blessed American hearts that these bowel obstructions will not stand!"

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