the odd clock IRREGULAR TIMES

W Takes the Role of the Lonely Crusader:
It's Bush Against the World

Ever since he found his way into his daddy's big chair in the White House, George W. Bush has tried with all his might to pretend that the world beyond North America has nothing to teach him, and is, like a Democrat in Texas, best seen and not heard. Unfortunately for him, the world has demanded to be heard, and he has reluctantly discovered that sometimes he has to actually talk with the rest of the world in order to get what he wants. A particularly unsettling case for the President has been his effort to go to war against Iraq.

irregular actionWhen Bush started out, shortly after the attacks of September 11, he assumed that he'd be able to wage a worldwide campaign of vengeance against evildoers, cowards, fanatics and who ever else got in his way. Poor George. When he announced that he had the authority to start an invasion of Iraq with hundreds of thousands of soldiers, costing tens of billions of dollars, with a military occupation afterwards lasting decades into the future, and that he could do so without having to consult with inconsequential nits like the U.S. Congress or the United Nations, Bush thought he had effectively let everyone know that he was the boss. It turns out that Bush the boss overstepped his power, and the American people, as well as the people of the rest of the world demanded that they be consulted. The nerve!

Well, even with the dogs of war nipping at his heels (Cheney, a slightly-overfed beagle; and Rumsfeld, a grey-in-the-muzzle hunting dog), Bush has been forced to try to actually explain to the rest of the world through a terse, resentful kind of international conversation, why he wants to invade Iraq in the first place. Some foreign observers have noted that in this conversation, it seems like Bush is making up his rationales as he goes along. You can judge for yourself.



Bush: The United States is going to invade Iraq and get Saddam Hussein! You're with us or against us!

World: Why do you want to invade Iraq?

Bush: Saddam Hussein is eeeeeevil! He must be destroyed!

World: Could you be more specific?

Bush: The United States must invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein, the president of Iraq is eeeeeeevil and that's why he's gotta be destroyed!

World: When we asked you to be more specific, we meant that we wanted a more specific argument than just that you believe that the Iraqi president is evil. In what ways do you believe that the Iraqi president is evil, and why does the evil nature of the Iraqi president require an invasion by the United States?

george w. bush the crusaderBush: He's a terrorist! We're in a war against terror! We're in a war to rid the world of evildoers, and you're either with us or against us!

World: Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that the Iraqi government was behind the attacks of September 11?

Bush: You're darned tootin', I am!

World: But there's no evidence that Iraq had anything to do with those attacks, is there?

Bush: You bet there is! We're looking for that evidence, and we haven't found any yet, but we're sure that it exists. That's why we have to defeat this eeeeeeeevil man, Saddam Hussein!

World: So you don't have any evidence of the Iraqi government being involved in current or recent terrorist activity.

Bush: That's not the point. Iraq is just trying to crawfish away from the fact that it is a member of the Axis of Evil. I've clearly established that fact. Besides, did you know that Saddam Hussein is trying to develop weapons of mass destruction? We've got to invade, or he'll use them to kill us all!

World: But your country, already has weapons of mass destruction. In fact, it invented most of the different varieties of weapons of mass destruction available today. Your own FBI believes that the anthrax attacks against politicians and other American citizens last fall was accomplished by an American using anthrax strains developed, and still kept, by the American military. The United States has a long history of the brutal use of weapons of mass destruction. We still haven't forgotten Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Your nation is the only one on earth to have used nuclear weapons against the civilians of another nation.

Bush: We had to use our nuclear weapons. We were fighting evil!

World: That's our point. You say you're in a war against evil right now. If you believe that fighting evil justifies the use of nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction, does that mean that you're getting ready to use them against Iraq or other members of the Axis of Evil?

Bush: You're missing the point! We're talking about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, not ours!

World: What about the nuclear weapons program of North Korea? Are you going to invade them next? What about Israel's nuclear weapons? Don't they disstabilize the Middle East? What about the nuclear weapons developed by India and Pakistan? They're actually on the verge of going to war against each other, whereas Iraq has shown no signs of wanting to start a war against any other country.

Bush: We will root out evil, wherever we find it. You're either with us or against us! Doesn't it scare you that Saddam Hussein could have his hands on nuclear weapons in the near future?

World: You're ignoring a report released just over a week ago that concludes that Iraq lacks the sufficient materials to build even one nuclear weapon and that it is highly unlikely that it could obtain the materials it needs. There's no reason to believe that Iraq is anywhere close to building a nuclear weapon. There's also no evidence that Iraq has any other weapons of mass destruction.

Bush: Well, what do you expect! Saddam kicked out our weapons inspectors years ago, and he won't let them back in to do their work! The fact that he won't let the inspectors in is mighty good evidence in my book that he does have weapons of mass destruction, and that he intends to use them to destroy us all! We must invade! The time is short! We don't have the time to argue about details like evidence!

World: Just yesterday the Iraqi government agreed to allow the unconditional return of United Nations weapons inspectors Iraq so that they can search for weapons of mass destruction, if any exist. By your logic, this must mean that the Iraqi government believes that it has nothing to hide and that it has no interest in using weapons of mass destruction against anyone. Given this overwhelming cooperation on the part of the Iraqi government in order to comply with United Nations resolutions about weapons of mass destruction, what reason is there left for the United States to invade Iraq?

Bush: This is all just part of Iraq's wicked plan to take over the world! Saddam Hussein is eeeeeeeevil! He must be destroyed! You're either with us or you're against us!

World: We're not with you on this one.


What's a poor President to do when none of the other countries want to come out and play war games? If Bush were raised as a normal child, he'd have learned long ago that people often just don't get what they want, but when they suffer defeats they must go on and address the necessary tasks at hand. George W. comes from a long line of babies born with silver feet stuck in their mouths. He's not a normal child. Will he throw a tantrum when the world rejects his pleas for more and more war? Will he demand his way? Will he bully his way to dominance over his opponents?

The most frightening question of all: What won't George W. Bush and his team of shadowy advisors do to get what they want?




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