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irregular times logoBush Administration Warns: Wolf!

Irregular News Flash: Bush Administration officials warn that they have highly credible information that terrorists plan a major attack against the United States this summer. The Consortium of International Journalism cited anonymous sources within the White House as stating, "This time, when we say that we have credible information, you should believe us."

In order to provide more information about the new terrorist threat, Adam Kontspiraczy, Deputy Undersecretary of Defense in Charge of Raising a Ruckus, gave a press conference at which he announced, "Wolf!"

When the reporters at the press conference asked who the wolf was, where the wolf was, and what kind of evidence of a wolf the Bush Administration had collected, Donald Rumsfeld took the podium and quickly controlled the room, saying, "Look, this is ridiculous. Is there a wolf? Yes. Does he have big teeth? Yes. Do we think that they're all the better to eat us with? You bet we do." The reporters responded by immediately closing their mouths and refraining from asking additional questions.

The Republican-controlled U.S. Congress was quick to respond to the emerging threat, with a specially-called meeting from which the GOP legislators emerged in unity. Tom DeLay gave a short speech, in which he declared, "We agree with President Bush. We say: Wolf!" The Republicans also declared that, from now on, CNN reporter Wolf Blitzer will be called "Freedom Blitzer".

John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge made a joint appearance, at which they announced that a Code Orange Alert would be in effect from June 1st through Election Day. The two insisted that George W. Bush's re-election campaign had nothing to do with the wolf announcement. "Let there be no mistake," warned Attorney General Ashcroft. "Those who invoke phantoms of lost sheep are only helping the wolves." Tom Ridge grunted "Wolf!" in agreement.

Later in the evening, the Washington Post published photographs showing American soldiers setting wild wolves on handcuffed Iraqi villagers. Dick Cheney vigorously responded to the photographs, saying that, "We are, of course, ashamed that our own American troops would release these photographs to the media without checking with us first. These pictures have created an unfortunate controversy that distracts from the important work of our young men and women in uniform, who we have sent to Iraq in order to howl at the moon. Let us never forget: Wolf!"

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