To our valued customers:
We have been informed by the Environmental Protection Agency that there is arsenic in your drinking water. However, just as EPA administrator Whitman is unable to regulate lower levels of arsenic in drinking water because it would cost too much, so we at the Cafe Bush feel that it is unfair to pass the costs of arsenic-free water, perhaps as high as ten cents a glass, on to you. If you have issues about arsenic, we suggest that you not drink any, but try our wines instead.
To provide you with additional savings, we have replaced our natural gas cooking ranges with old-fashioned coal-burning stoves. Some customers find the thick smoke and coal dust drifting through the air to be a distraction, but we in management find it more helpful to think of it as a contribution to the restaurant's authentic ambience.
Due to a severe parking shortage, we will soon be opening up the part of our restaurant known as the no-smoking sanctuary, knocking down the wall that separates it from the outside parking lot and allowing cars, motorcycles and trucks to park in the aisles between the tables. We assure you that the integrity of the no-smoking area will not be disturbed by the exhaust from the tailpipes of the vehicles as they are parked and we are confident that this change will not affect your enjoyment of the dining experience here at Cafe Bush.
We have recently received a large number of customer service response cards complaining that it has become necessary to bribe the Maitre D' in order to gain access to a table at our restaurant. Some members of our staff have suggested a complete elimination of such bribery, but we in executive management feel that a one hundred dollar limit on bribes to the Maitre D' will be quite sufficient. Any customers who disagree with this decision are welcome to make an appointment with us through the Maitre D'.
Finally, due to the recent prosperity of our restaurant's business, we have decided to enact a huge price cut. After all, it's not the restaurant's money. It's the customers' money! How much money you get back will depend upon how much you spend. Those customers who spend over two hundred dollars per meal will receive a fifty percent discount. Customers who spend less than fifty dollars will get two dollars back plus a fifty cent voucher towards a meal at a local McDonald's.
In order to fund the price cut, Cafe Bush will reduce its staff to just one cook and one waiter. We've found the wages you support when you pay our current high prices to be wasteful. The last thing our customers want is a big restaurant. Our management philosophy is that services like cooking and serving are best provided by volunteers from non-profit groups, especially faith-based organizations. We're sure that these groups will eagerly pick up the slack when we fire our employees. You can probably expect to receive a sermon and a Bible with your meal, and your server may ask you to pray before you receive your appetizers, but we're sure that these additional religious services will actually add to your enjoyment of your meal.
We know that when it comes to eating out, low price is by far your highest priority. Our accountant tells us that with all the money you'll save as a result of the reduction of our services, you'l probably eat out at our restaurant much more often than you already do, boosting our profits even more and allowing us to cut services and prices even more in the near future.
Don't let us do all the talking. Talk back!
We're eager for your contribution. Get your thoughts down, organize them coherently into an irregular essay, then submit it to us for publication!