The Bush Administration has announced a new front in the war on evildoers: Mars.
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft and Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge held an unscheduled news conference this morning to issue a strict warning to all Martians: "We will find you. We will hunt you down. We will kill you, or take you to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba."
Secretary Ridge explained that Homeland Security agents had specific and credible evidence that inhabitants of the planet Mars are working in cooperation with Al Quaida in an interplanetary conspiracy of terror. "The mission of the Spirit spacecraft was to determine if life has ever existed on Mars," Ridge explained. "That mission has succeeded. Not only has Spirit located evidence of life on Mars, it has actually taken a photograph of current Martian lifeforms. This photograph clearly shows that Martians are aware of our existence, are evil, and must therefore be destroyed."
The American spacecraft Spirit successfully reached the surface of Mars late on the evening of Saturday, January 3, 2003. NASA has released the following composite photograph, taken almost immediately after landing, which clearly shows a Martian that appears to be attempting to communicate with the Mars lander.
Making an unexpected appearance on Meet the Press, Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that the Bush Administration has long suspected that Mars has been operating as a fourth member of the Axis of Evil. "We knew it all along," he told Tim Russert. "Just take a look at the desolation that we've seen for years in our Mars photographs. There's nothing but dust and rocks. It's clear to us that Mars has weapons of mass destruction, and that they've used them against their own people!"
On ABC News talk show This Week, Colin Powell reviewed old photographs taken by the Mars Global Surveyor Satellite that he claimed showed clear evidence of mobile chemical weapons laboratories that he says George W. Bush believes have been cleverly disguised as big rocks. "Just take a look at the impact craters that are right there, next to these weapons factories. There is no disputing what's been going on, right over our heads, all these years. We are under imminent threat, and we must strike before our Martian enemies strike us!"
It is not yet clear whether the Bush Administration believes that the Moon is involved in the interplanetary Axis of Evil. "The Man in the Moon is clearly a suspect," an anonymous White House source told Irregular Times.
Given these recent revelations, Americans are coming together behind the Bush Administration's extension of the war on evildoers to outer space. In an unscientific CNN/Gallup/Time/Washington Post/Fargo Telegraph poll, 87% of Americans said that they would support a nuclear attack on Mars. 5% said that they believed that a nuclear attack on Guatemala was the best course of action. The remaining 8% burped.
The Republican Majority in the House of Representatives has introduced a bill renaming the month of March, calling it instead "Freedomch". The Republican owner of a drug store Waco, Texas dumped his supply of Mars Bars and MandMs in a dry creek bed outside of town and lit them on fire in front of local television news cameras.
Early this afternoon, the Bush Administration issued a press release explaining that it was canceling all domestic and international flights and closing the San Diego zoo, although it had no specific evidence to suggest that airplanes and Southern California zoos might be targets of Martian Al Quaida terrorists.
An audiotape of a person claiming to be Osama Bin Laden impersonating Donald Duck insisted that Al Quaida has no relationship with Martian terrorists. "These Martians are infidels, and also strange looking, and so are the enemies of Islam," the voice on the tape exclaimed.
In a separate news conference at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters that the Joint Chiefs of Staff were considering suggesting a military blockade of Europe. Asked why a Martian terrorist threat would require a blockade of Europe, Rumsfeld replied, "Oh, come on, folks! Let's be reasonable! Do we think that Europeans are from Mars? No, we don't. Do we know for certain that the European Union sent their own space probe to Mars just a few days ago? You bet we do! Until we know for sure that the Europeans are not providing secret support to the Martian enemy, we have no choice but to isolate the European terrorist threat from the International Community. This is not rocket science, folks! I mean, well, yes it is, but you know what I mean."
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