despots are us From one Big Brother to Another:

A Guide to Transforming
Totalitarian Dictatorships Into Democracies

Rules of the Road:

1. If the dictatorship in question is China, normalize trade relations, ignore invasions of neighboring nations, and downplay human rights abuses. Don't make a fuss over China's weapons of mass destruction. They haven't nuked anyone so far, have they? Why worry?

Encourage American corporations to do business in China, perhaps even using inexpensive Chinese labor to make products at a lower price than would be possible with domestic workers and their pesky unions. Remember, it's not going to do anyone any good to isolate the Chinese by penalizing them for what our culture sees as oppressive tactics of governmental control. If we stop trading with them, then we will never be able to threaten them with loss of trade. Besides, punitive measures only encourage governments to become violently extremist. As China opens itself up more and more through business with the United States, the influence of our capitalism will inevitably promote the democratization of Chinese society and government, along with the popularity of baseball and apple pie.

2. If the dictatorship in question is Iraq, implement complete economic sanctions. Allow a small amount of medical supplies to enter the country, but only in return for diplomatic concessions. To gain international support for the sanctions, recall Iraq's history of invasions of neighboring nations. Also make note of Iraq's human rights abuses and attempts to produce weapons of mass destruction as evidence of the nation's irredeemable barbarism. There's no use in reasoning with the Iraqis. Obviously, they only understand the use of force.

Insist on total compliance with all demands. If there is any failure to cooperate, make threats of extensive bombings throughout the country. If necessary, execute the threatened attacks until compliance is gained.

In between bombings, allow the sanctions to weaken the Iraqi economy until everyday citizens become so desperate that they rise up and take over the government. This uprising may take some time to materialize, perhaps 10 or 20 years. In the meantime, Iraqi citizens can be expected to be grateful to the United States for its defiance of their government. When they take over, they will certainly implement democratic reforms and act in accordance with the vital national interests of the United States.

3. Above all else, maintain a consistent policy toward authoritarian regimes. They must understand that the United States firmly supports the spread of democracy throughout the world and that we are willing to make whatever sacrifices may be necessary for the sake of this cause. Any inconsistencies will be perceived as a weak lack of resolve and encourage defiance. Remember, America stands for freedom, for one and for all, whether they like it or not!

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