The March 2003 meeting of the Committee of Self-righteous and Angry Republicans saw a great deal of celebration as, at long last, our virtuous war to liberate the Iraqi people by bombing the hell out of their cities and taking over their oil fields has begun. Even as we held our meeting in the hall donated by the Fraternal Brotherhood of Stags (thanks, guys!), we had the big screen TV turned on to FOX News, which provided us with the latest pictures of buildings ripped apart with fiery explosions in Iraq's capital city. Let me tell you, this was one of the liveliest meetings we've had in awhile, with cheers all around. Serves them right, the commie-lovers!
Official business started out with approval of a mailing to all those protesters who turned out against the war on Main Street the other day. One of our fine members, Mr. Cuddeback, took down all of their names so that we could turn in a list to the FBI. We're not just going to pass the buck, though. We're sending each one of them an official invitation to leave the country if they hate it so much. Haw, haw!
The main item on our agenda, though, was the consideration of new items to rename in retaliation to the widespread international opposition to the war against Iraq. We're damn proud of the national Republican Party for organizing the bold maneuver of changing the name of french fries and french toast to "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" on the menu in the Capital Building's cafeteria. After all, you're either with us or against us, and the French have chosen to become America's enemy by trying to stop us from going to war. Parley-voos this, Pierre!
We think it's important not to forget, though, that it wasn't just the French who stood in the way of the good guys (that's AMERICA, comrade!). No, let's remember that pretty much the entire Security Council of the United Nations was prepared to vote against the resolution allowing us to go to war. Even with months of diplomacy and billions of dollars in incentives, President Bush and Tony Blair could only get two other countries to support their war resolution, so it didn't even matter that France was willing to veto. Heck, only one other country even offered to send troops: Australia, and they're still pretty much English, aren't they? All these foreigners came to America's United Nations and called America the aggressor! As if.
Well, CSAR may not be willing to forgive, but we won't forget either. We're going to make all these damn foreigners pay!
Effective immediately, CSAR is expanding the Screw France Project to include all other countries that refused to join America in the war. We're writing all the businesses in a 50-mile radius to demand that they make the following changes:
- Where's our neighbor to the north when we need them? The Canadian government says that it won't support America's right to invade other countries whenever it wants. We say, screw you mounties! From now on, we insist that the Canada goose be renames the "Freedom Goose". That'll make 'em sorry!
- Let's kill two birds with one stone. Turkey says that it won't let our soldiers march through their country to kill Iraqis. They ought to be grateful that we named a native American bird after them! Well, it's never to late to take it back. From now on, turkeys will be known as "Freedom Fowl".
- After all we've done for them, our "allies" the Germans said they would vote against our war too. Ingrates! If it weren't for our American boys willing to lay down their lives in World War II, they'd all be speaking German! We hereby announce that German chocolate cake has been renamed "Freedom Chocolate Cake". They can keep their Sour Krauts, ha ha!
- Where is Mongolia when America needs it? They complain about their poverty, and say that America won't help them out, and then they go ahead and say they're unwilling to contribute any of their soldiers to the Coalition of the Willing! We'll show them! In all American Chinese restaurants, we call for Mongolian beef to be labelled "Freedom Beef". Cry me a river, Mongol hordes!
- Speaking of Chinese food, we think it's high time to reconsider our dinnerware. China joined France in promising to veto our war resolution in the Security Council. Well pooh-man-chew! We're not giving you orientals the pleasure of having the name of our best ceramics. We announce that whether it's plates or saucers or cups or what-have-you, our fancy china isn't china any more. Now, they're "Freedom Plates"!
- Well, my Dad always said you can never trust a commie. We should have known that the Ruskies would cut and run when the going got tough. "You can't just go around bombing whatever countries you want to," they complained. They said they'd veto too. Namby-pamby Ivan! You'll feel it in the pocketbook now that we're calling Russian olives "Freedom Olives".
- There's a reason they call them rag-heads, you know. First, they want us to buy their oil, and then they complain because we think we've got a right to tell them how to run their governments. Ay-Rab Schay-Rab, if you know what I mean. I've got an uncle who breeds Arabian horses in Kentucky, and he's started a good trend, naming them "Freedom Horses" to anyone who wants a ride.
- It's like that Irish guy on FOX news says: As long as America is taking over Iraq, we might as well throw in Iran too, cause they're right next to eachother in the alphabet, you know. I'm sure they're up to no good, those damn Ayatollas. There's this song I heard once back in the 1980s, called "I Ran So Far Away". Bob and Frank, good CSAR members both, are recording their own version, called "Freedom So Far Away"!
- Have you ever heard of anyone from New Zealand dropping a bomb on an Iraqi village? No, and that's because they won't send any soldiers either. Well, it just so happens that kiwi fruits come from New Zealand, and so CSAR is officially recommending that kiwis become Freedom Fruit in every true-blooded American grocery.
- Mexico got all upset when Bush said that Mexicans living in the United States might become the victims of a violent backlash if the Mexican government didn't go along with our Iraq war plans. We'll I suppose I'd be sensitive too, if I lived in the desert and had to eat burritos all the time! That's no excuse, though, so from now on, Mexican jumping beans are "Freedom Jumping Beans"!
- Another country of weak-kneed pansy pacifists is Brazil. They're all afraid to fight with Americans against brutal dictators who come to office in fraudulent elections. We say that Brazil nuts should now be renamed "Freedom Nuts". That's about the size of it, is what I say.
- And as for Bhutan, well they won't send people to fight with America either. We can't think of anything we buy here in America that's named after Bhutan, so we'll just rename the entire country of Bhutan. From now on, whenever we refer to that Himalayan nation next to Nepal, we'll just call it "Freedom", and put that on all our maps. There go their tourist dollars - no one will know how to get there anymore!
- And hey, what about President Bush? While hard-working families from all over America are sending their sons and daughters to fight, kill and maybe even die over in Iraq, President Bush refuses to send his own kids to take part in the fight. They're just about 20 years old, the right age, but no, instead of joining in the military like good freedom-loving Americans, Bush's children are busy building up petty criminal records related to the illicit use of alcohol! That's practically European of them! From now on, we'll have to refer to President Bush as "President Freedom"!
No, on second thought, that title doesn't really seem to suit him.
Oh well, CSAR will just have to take the matter up at our next meeting, during which we'll be deciding how to rename people who dare to defy our plans to provide a gigantic tax cut for the super-rich.
We of the Committee of Self-righteous and Angry Republicans won't let the world forget that it's America that has always stood up for freedom, dignity and honor in the world. If they can't respect that, then to hell with them all!
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