IRREGULAR TIMESPolitical Researchers Create a Hybrid Organism:
Joseph Lieberman!

In politics, irregular times make for strange partnerships. George W. Bush dupes Ted Kennedy into supporting an unfunded educational bill. Conservatives join liberals to protest Bush's reckless rush to war. Republicans and Democrats come together to warn that the President's tax plan will create smothering debts for generations of American children to come.

Yes, such cooperation is worthy of remark, but the strangest of all partnerships are those that take place within the mind of a single politician. There have always been political turncoats, switching parties when it seems to suit their interests. However, recent advances in political engineering laboratories has made an entirely new category of politician possible: a form of hybrid known as a political chimaera.

The political chimaera is named after a creature of ancient Greek legends, a monster that was a mixture of lion, goat and snake. In more modern times, genetic engineers have perfected techniques through which they can create such creatures by combining the cells of two different species. The most famous example of this technology is the project which created the geep, an animal which was part goat and part sheep. This animal was allowed to be born and grow into an adult that had the head and legs of a goat, but with patches of sheep skin on its body, growing the white, curly wool for which sheep are known.

More recently, researchers have created such a chimaera from two human embryos, one male and one female. The resulting single embryo continued to grow for six days until it was terminated, a mix of male and female cells within a single developing organism.

Always looking for a new opportunity to gain advantage over rivals, political researchers have achieved a similar creation: a political chimaera named Joseph Lieberman. The creators of the beast are so proud of their work that they've decided to let it campaign for President of the United States.

Dr. Mark Itop, President of the Association of Political Scientists for Bipartisanship, explains that Joseph Lieberman has been carefully engineered in order to appeal to "everybody who matters". The association's laboratories took parts of a Democrat and parts of a Republican to create Lieberman as a hybrid.

republicrat hybrid"He's neither a Democrat or a Republican. We call him a 'Republicrat'. You see, he's got the legs of a donkey, but the head of an Elephant. That way, we figure that Lieberman can run as a Democrat even though all of his ideas and speeches are really Republican."

The effects of this hybridization are shown quite clearly in Lieberman's public record. In every election, he runs as a Democrat, but talks like a Republican. For example, he's supported practically every piece of legislation that George W. Bush has come up with since 2003. Lieberman supports the President's tax cuts. He supports Bush's wars. He even helped Bush design his faith-based intiatives. In terms of policy, Joseph Lieberman is almost identical to George W. Bush, but now that 2004 is coming around, he's running as a Democrat again.

Political ethicists have questioned the morality of creating Republicats like Lieberman. "Joe Lieberman is obviously in a lot of emotional pain," says Saul Rong, editor of Political Morality, a biannual journal for campaign managers. "He's under the delusion that he's a real Democrat, but whenever he opens his mouth, extreme right-wing Republican ideas keep on pouring out. Let's face it: as an ungainly mix of political animals, Lieberman is doomed to be rejected by everyone he meets. Such an animal is unnatural, and should never have been created. The best we can do for him now is to put him out to pasture, where can't do any more harm to himself or to others."



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