For years, vacationers at the Doantno Atoll, a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have returned home with strange stories. Some have spoken of seeing a large manlike creature swimming under the water. Others report hearing a gargling voice come from nowhere, saying "Why hast thou forsaken me, and willst thou get me a towel?" Scuba enthusiasts diving on the island's famous Agape Reef have returned with a dazed look, saying merely that they had found Jesus. Some visitors to the atoll simply disappeared without a trace.
These individual reports have long been dismissed as a product of a permissive drug culture. However, a picture taken by an team of underwater photographers has caused pharmaceutical representatives, travel agents and theology students to take a second look at Doantno Atoll.
The photograph, taken from a submarine diving near the atoll's Agape Reef, clearly shows a gigantic underwater Jesus looming up behind an unsuspecting snorkeler. Religious gigantomorphic specialists estimate that the Jesus of Doantno Atoll is at least 75 feet tall.
President Bush, who was in meetings most of the day with the former psychiatrist of Minnie Pearl, refused to respond to reporters' requests for more information. With some irritation, Mr. Bush told the White House press corps, "You're all just asking me trick questions. I'm on to you, so why don't you ask me something else, like questions about baseball, or Hee Haw. My White House Office of Faith Based Initiatives is announcing today a brand new program through the National Endowment for the Arts to get Hee Haw into national syndication. So, let's try to keep some perspective, okay?"
Dr. Sloan Reactin, from the National Institutes of Health, urged the public not to panic. "We do not yet know whether Jesus possesses weapons of mass destruction," he explained. "Until inspections of Jesus's presidential palaces can take place, we have no way of knowing what we're up against. For now, we recommend that people buy duct tape and plastic sheeting, watch their favorite sit com, and avoid flushing the toilet more than 3 times a day."
Dr. Reactin later acknowledged that he still has feelings for his high school sweetheart, Tracy Sommers of 27 Orchard Lane, Lincoln, Nebraska. Ms. Sommers was not available for comment.
Religious leaders disagree about the implications of there being a 70-foot-tall Jesus living underwater in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. "Clearly, this is the fault of the atheists, who have refused to allow compulsive prayer in the public schools," Reverend Jerry Falwell told reporters at a news conference hastily prepared outside of the Dusky Rose Motel in Leehale, Alabama. "Jesus is obviously so ashamed of American secularism that he swam away to hide and eat tuna."
Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcasting Network disagreed. "None of this would have happened if it weren't for gay marriage." Asked to elaborate on his comments, Robertson explained, "Well, it's really a clear issue of gay marriage in public school classrooms that have failed to post the Ten Commandments after handing out condoms and teaching evolution, if you want to be precise. You start down that path, and it's entirely predictable that a gigantic marine Jesus is going to appear in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. What amazes me is that the liberals have denied even the possibility that their policies would cause Our Lord to imitate a blue whale."
John Ashcroft appeared on national television this afternoon, interrupting the ordinary schedule of soap operas, in order to sing a new gospel song he has written in commemoration of the discovery of the gigantic underwater Jesus of Doantno Atoll, called "What a Fish We Have in Jesus". The national radio network owned by Clear Channel Communications has instructed its disc jockeys to put the song at the top of their play lists, but insists that the action is merely a response to popular demand. Ashcroft's spokesman points out that at no time during the filming of the video for the song did Janet Jackson bare her breast, stating, "I think that all the focus on the gigantic underwater messiah themes of the music of the Attorney General of the United States distracts us from the really important point here, which is that Janet Jackson's partial nudity is the prime threat to our nation's homeland security."
|Irregular Times require talking back.|
Give us your Irregular Retorts!
We are also eagerly awaiting original submissions of quality irregularity.