It was an odd location for George W. Bush to make his big announcement. No television cameras were present. Yet, as Mr. Bush walked into the offices of the Lapp Electric Service plant in Smoketown, Pennsylvania, he must have known that his words would be reported around the world.
There, waiting to talk to Mr. Bush, was a group of about 60 local Amish, one of whom had made a quilt for the visiting President. Mr. Bush shook a few hands, tried on a straw hat, and then made his announcement to the small crowd.
"God speaks through me," he said. (We're not making this up. This story was first reported in the local papers, including the Intelligencer Journal and the Lancaster New Era, on July 16, 2004.)
God speaks through George W. Bush? Gosh. That sounds crazy. That sounds like the President of the United States, the most powerful human being on the Earth, the man who commands the greatest stockpile of nuclear missiles and other weapons of mass destruction ever created, believes that he is a prophet chosen by God to represent all that is good and right in the Universe. When George W. Bush says, "God speaks through me," it sounds as if George W. Bush really believes that whatever words happen to come out of his mouth are the words of God himself.
Mr. Bush doesn't really believe that, does he?
We here at Irregular Times would be scared senseless if we believed that George W. Bush is making decisions about the future direction of the American nation based upon the presumption that his whims are the will of God. So, we've come up with some alternative explanations.
Alternative explanation #1: Mr. Bush might have been trying to make a gesture of self-effacement in order to make the crowd comfortable. When he said "God speaks through me," Mr. Bush might have meant that the word of God goes in one in ear and out the other, right through the brain of Mr. Bush without any notice on Mr. Bush's part. This certainly might account for Mr. Bush not understanding that when Jesus admonished his followers to "turn the other cheek", he was not devising some new kind of torture to use on helpless prisoners.
Alternative explanation #2: Mr. Bush is well known for his frequent mistakes in the use of the English language. Perhaps Mr. Bush was nervous, and instead of saying that "God speaks through me," he really meant to say, "God speaks, though me." Again, this might have been an attempt on Mr. Bush's part to finally admit to some imperfection on his part, as if to say, that "Yes, God speaks, though there is, nonetheless, me". Of course, Mr. Bush did not say so in so many words, but we're hoping that he meant something like this.
Alternative explanation #3: Could Mr. Bush be a secret admirer of the United States Postal Service? Although many of Bush's conservative extremist friends regard the the post office as a sign of creeping socialism, we find hope in the possibility that Mr. Bush himself may be using postal service abbreviations in his daily speech. Perhaps Mr. Bush was merely hinting to the Amish in Lancaster County that he would rather be vacationing in his family's estate in Kennebunkport, Maine, than talking to them. Perhaps Mr. Bush was really saying that "God Speaks through ME," with ME being the postal abbreviation for Maine.
It's a constant struggle for those of us who try to be fair to George W. Bush. He comes out with so many cryptic statements that we find ourselves re-interpreting his remarks from sunrise to sunset. After all, we can't believe that he really means the things that come out of his mouth. Only a megalomaniac would declare that "God speaks through me," and America couldn't possibly have a megalomaniac as President.
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