magniloquence against warThe New Green Berets: Killing Them With Kindness

A couple of years ago, the International Tungsten Industry Association announced that the U.S. Army would abandon its use of old-fashioned lead bullets, replacing them with a tungsten-based alternative. It seems that the same military organization that deforested Southeast Asia with Agent Orange during the Vietnam war, set the Kuwaiti oil fields on fire during the Gulf War, and pioneered the development of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons throughout this century feels that it isn't environmentally sensitive to leave a little lead behind after a battle is through. Apparently, they're concerned that after they use the bullet to rip apart the internal organs of an enemy soldier, parts of it might exit the corpse and cause lead poisoning in local animals and humans.

Taking the lead out of bullets is like turning the thermostat in Hell down 5 degrees to ease the suffering of the damned: it's an improvement, but there's a long way to go. We recognize that the Joint Chiefs of Staff aren't used to thinking about the softer side of life, so we at Irregular Times have decided to help out. In order to help the new, sensitive man's Army become a more friendly organization, we've come up with some further reforms for them to implement.

Well, we could go on and on, but you get the picture. It's hard to remember when you spend your days organizing the killing of thousands of people that you've never even met, but it's the little things that count. War doesn't have to be hell if you're willing to think outside the box. Good luck!

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