Who is Gud?

Who are you, anyway, Gud?

Johnny Carson.

Johnny Carson?

Sure. Just ask me about the last episode I had with Jack Valente as a guest. Hoo boy, I can tell you that was a doozie!

Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell you that you, Gud, the creator of the universe, omnipotent, are actually Johnny Carson?

No. That's not what I'm trying to tell you. It's what I'm telling you. Actually, it's more accurate to say that Johnny Carson is me, Gud, the creator of the universe.

So what's the creator of the universe doing hosting a late night talk show? Couldn't you have gotten on prime time?

Yeah, but that would have been too obvious. Besides, when you've been around forever, every time seems like late night.

Okay, just a minute. This is mind-numbingly big in its implications. When Ed McMahon said "Here's Johnny!" at the beginning of each show, it was like him saying "Here's Gud!"

Well, he wasn't in on it. I told him once, but he just started laughing in the way he does when I tell a joke and he doesn't get it. He just assumed that it was a funny joke. Boy, if he only knew. See, I chose that opening line of his because it's so ironic. Because I am Gud, the all-powerful creator of the universe, I'm immanent.


Look it up, dummy. Didn't you read your Joseph Campbell when you were in college? When I call myself immanent, it's meant to suggest that I am inherent in all things. I am all things. All things are me. I'm everywhere. I'm Johnny Carson. "Here's Johnny!" What a laugh! No one got it, though.

So you're everywhere and everything. That means you're Richard Simmons as much as you are Johnny Carson. That means Timothy McVeigh is Gud as much as Johnny Carson is Gud. Is this some kind of joke?

Here's Johnny! Here's Timmy! Next question, lumphead.

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