Why I Voted for George W. Bush
Oh, I'm a good liberal. I believe in freedom and fairness and all that. I let all my friends and family know all about how liberal I am all the time.
So, the people I know were very surprised when I told them that I voted for George W. Bush. I'll bet you're shocked too. It's okay. I understand. The thing is that I want you to understand too.
What most liberals just can't get through their heads is that there are certain things in life that are more important than our liberal ideals. George W. Bush protects those things, decent man that he is, and that's why I, and so many other liberals, voted for Bush.
Still don't understand? Okay, I'll spell it out for you. I voted for George W. Bush because:
- George W. Bush warned us many times that the evildoer terrorists were going to attack America before the 2004 elections, and by gum, he was right! The United States of America suffered huge losses of life in major cities, from Miami all the way over to Seattle. Osama Bin Laden himself rammed a big Ford Expedition into the Sears Tower. But did John Kerry and his liberals from Massachusetts believe Bush's warnings? Oh, no! I may be a liberal, but it's clear to me that the security threat is too strong to vote for a weak-kneed Democrat!
- George W. Bush was the first to warn us that Iraq would give Osama Bin Laden weapons of mass destruction. But, the big liberal media just ignored all the evidence that George W. Bush had made public, and called him a liar. Well, listen: I was there in Washington, D.C. when Al Quaida set off their nuclear bomb in their latest attack on the United States! I was just 50 feet away, protected by a mailbox, when they set off the nuclear bomb, and I saw with my own eyes that the bomb had "made in Iraq" written on its side, in big red letters. I may be a liberal, but I can't ignore all the evidence of the Iraqi threat that George W. Bush has brought to the American people.
- John Kerry and his supporters like Michael Moore made fun of Bush for saying that there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. It was George W. Bush who discovered that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are in fact the same person! See, that's why all this time Bush had not been able to find Osama Bin Laden. It's because he was already in an American jail! See, General Noriega from Panama is also Osama Bin Laden. Devious disguise, isn't it? I may be a liberal, but it's clear to me that George W. Bush was right when he said that Hussein was linked with Bin Laden!
- John Kerry may have gone to Vietnam, but he didn't wrestle with Viet Cong fighters in Hanoi to rescue American prisoners like George W. Bush did! Coward! George W. Bush is a decorated military combat hero who bravely volunteered to go to Vietnam, and stood up to fight when many others just smoked pot! I may be a liberal, but I cannot ignore Bush's life-long history of service to the United States of America!
- I've been married for 25 long years, but when Massachusetts announced that they would let gay people get married, my wife let me know that our own marriage was through. She told me that she was going to leave me unless the Republicans passed an amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America that made gay marriage illegal. Well, those stupid Democrats stopped Bush the first time, but at least Bush tried, and he says that he's going to try again. How can my marriage possibly survive other people who are not exactly like me getting married? I may be liberal, but I can see that marriage really, really, truly does need to be defended against Massachusetts.
- Did you know that stem cell research does not just kill little bitty embryos that were left over from fertility treatments and already scheduled to be thrown in the garbage? Oh, no! Stem cell research, which the Democrats seem to love, also requires the removal of brains from living children! That's right! George W. Bush was the only one moral enough to stand up to this kind of barbaric assault upon human life! I may be liberal, but I believe that the removal of living children's brains is not okay!
- Oh, we liberals go on and on about the separation of Church and State, but did we ever stop to consider that the IRS has sent armed agents into public schools all across the American South and forced Christian children to stop praying? It's true! Not only that, but those IRS agents also forced Christian children to say prayers to Satan! I may be liberal, but the nonstop persecution of Christians by the federal government has got to stop!
- Sure, you've heard of global warming, but did you know that George W. Bush has already stopped it? Oh, all the liberal media keeps on talking about how the Arctic Ice Cap is disappearing, and the sea levels are rising, but did you know that President Bush personally approved a plan to ship popsicles all around the world to cool things down? I'll bet you also didn't hear how Bush passed a law that fought global warming by outlawing the use of hair dryers on April 1 of every year. Thanks to these innovative measures, George W. Bush has stopped global warming. All those liberal scientists are so embarrassed that they just refuse to admit it. I may be liberal, but I'd be a fool not to vote for such an environmental hero!
- Senators Ted Kennedy and Joe Biden sure got upset at George W. Bush for authorizing American soldiers to torture prisoners all over the world, but did they know that Bush actually went to stop the torture himself once he learned it was going on? That's right - when Bush heard that there was torture going on at Abu Ghraib, he personally ordered Air Force One to fly him and his cabinet into Baghdad. Then, without even putting on a flak jacket, Bush ran from the airport all the way to Abu Ghraib, and stood in front of a bad apple soldier who was threatening to beat a prisoner. Then, Donald Rumsfeld took the soldier's gun away, and Alberto Gonzales wrote a memo on the spot declaring torture to always be very very illegal, no matter what! I may be a liberal, but I'm pretty suspicious that news of the President's personal intervention never was reported in the New York Times.
- When the Democrats in Congress came up with the idea for Total Information Awareness, it was George W. Bush who raised the alarm and warned the American People. It was George W. Bush who insisted that the Democrats stop trying to force him to implement the program that would have allowed a secret government computer to spy on ordinary Americans' private lives. George W. Bush has always stood against the Democrats attempts to undermine civil liberties. That's why, when the Democrats proposed that FBI agents be allowed to interrogate peaceful protesters and examine citizens' private library records, George W. Bush said, "NO SIR!". I may be a liberal, but it's clear to me that George W. Bush stands up for freedom when no one else will.
Now that you know the real facts, do you understand why I voted for George W. Bush? President Bush is a truly compassionate man, and if you just take the time to look beyond all the misinformation that's out there, you'll see that he's downright liberal!
To all those bitter Democrats and other liberals out there who are feeling bitter about "losing" the election to George W. Bush, I have this piece of advice: Cheer up! George W. Bush proved time and time again in his first term that he is always willing to reach out to those Americans who disagree with him. President Bush will attend to all your needs, just as soon as you fall in line and give up your silly resistance. Yes, George W. Bush is a President for all Americans, especially liberals, which is why he has proposed a universal health care plan and stands so strongly against the privatization of Social Security.
Mostly, what American liberals need to do is stop thinking so much. It's a lot easier that way. Thinking too much just makes you unhappy, and doesn't everyone want to be happy?
I believe that, in the future, everyone will be voting for George W. Bush. He's such an open, caring man, that I believe that he'll be allowed to run for President again in 2008. And this time, with the voter protection technology of touch screen voting, 100% of the votes will be for Bush. Just wait - you'll see.
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