This week, Chicago public relations firm Crabbe, Scuttle and Associates finally confirmed what had long been whispered suspicions among American business professionals: They are the official public relations firm of Jesus.
The PR firm, until now best known for its work for the manufacturers of cuticle removers, acknowledged that it has nurtured a consulting relationship with the Christian messiah for almost two thousand years. Standing in front of a banner that read "Hail Mary, But Be Sure To Send A Follow-Up Press Release within 24 Hours", Crabbe and Scuttle President Diana Retorin spoke to an awestruck crowd of reporters, business consultants, bishops and faith healers, explaining that her firm's executive board had made the decision to come forward with the truth about their professional relationship with Jesus for the simple fact that they haven't been paid for 1800 years.
"We had an understanding with the early Christian church," she told the crowd. "Peter paid up. Paul sent checks regularly. After that, the Lord's representatives started to become more financially mystical. Jesus said, 'Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's'. Well, we think it's time that Jesus gives unto us what is ours. His followers have been reaping huge donations for over a hundred generations, thanks to our work. We're here to say that we want our own piece of the action."
"Let's face facts: Jesus had obvious potential, with the star over Bethlehem and the donkeys and all that, but no one denies that he really needed a handler. I mean, when we first started working with Jesus, he was going on about the blessed peacemakers one minute and then threatening to return with a sword of fire and chop everybody to pieces the next. He had a message, but he needed someone to help him craft that message in a way that would fit with what the public really wanted to hear. That's where we came in. We made him the big man he is."
Next to the podium was a chart listing some of Crabbe and Scuttle's contributions to the public image of Jesus:
"Normally, I don't like to brag," said Retornin, "but what a lot of people don't realize is that Jesus originally wanted to wear a tiara of thorns. The crown was our idea."
"When we met Jesus, he was still working as a carpenter. Sure, he had a few Messiah gigs on the weekends, but it was small time stuff: village fairs, stuff like that. We met him after one of his better shows, and that's when we struck a deal. We told him that we could put the "Me" in "Messiah", and after that, he never ignored our advice. I wish we could say the same of his followers."
Reception to the Crabbe and Scuttle's presentation was mixed. One excited reporter was seen scribbling a newspaper headline: "JesusGypGate Scandal!" However, Bishop Gropa Childs of the North Shore Archdiocese threatened to sue, complaining that the Catholic Church's funds are already depleted because of legal obligations to hundreds of Americans sexually abused by its priests.
In response to the threat of legal action by the Church, Retornin merely shrugged and commented that if the Pope had stayed in touch with communications professionals, the sex abuse scandal might not have happened in the first place. "We tell all our clients that the first thing they must do in order to succeed is to stop trying to have sex with children that are placed in their trust. Of course, we can't force the followers of Jesus to comply with our advice. We always have dealt with Mr. Crucifix directly, as a matter of principle, but given that he's dead, we figured that it was time to go public."
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