The following is a very, very serious warning from the Department of Homeland Insecurity.

It has come to our attention that, in the wake of the New York City subway bomb scares, some Americans have stopped taking threats from the Department of Homeland Security seriously. Some Americans seem to think that the Department of Homeland Security issues its warnings frivolously, and for political reasons, in the modern day equivalent of crying wolf.

Well, it's just not true. The plain fact is that your life is threatened by terrorists every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year, and you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it. Nothing is more important than terrorism.

To prove our point, we are issuing the following nationwide Code Orange Alert to every family living in the USA: Homeland Insecurity agents have obtained information from credible sources that terrorists may be hiding under your kitchen table right now.

Don't look! If you look under your kitchen table, the terrorists, who may well be armed with a new generation of deadly disintegrating laser guns, might shoot you in the head.

1. On a telephone not in your kitchen, call the Department of Homeland Insecurity to report that you suspect that terrorists may be hiding under your kitchen table.
2. Unlock the back door, through which the local authorities will throw stun grenades and tear gas into your kitchen, just in case terrorists are hiding there.
3. Run out into the middle of the street, and flail your arms, shouting, "The terrorists are hiding under your kitchen table!" Note: When you flail your arms, make sure to move them using your wrist, elbow and shoulder joints all at the same time, for maximum Code Orange Alert effect.
4. Go shopping. As President Bush has told us all time and again, going shopping is the best way to defeat the terrorist evildoers.

Most importantly of all, remember: Don't panic. Freak out! Our Homeland Insecurity depends upon it.