The following is a very, very serious warning from the Department of Homeland Insecurity.
It has come to our attention that, in the wake of the New York City subway bomb scares, some Americans have stopped taking threats from the Department of Homeland Security seriously. Some Americans seem to think that the Department of Homeland Security issues its warnings frivolously, and for political reasons, in the modern day equivalent of crying wolf.
Well, it's just not true. The plain fact is that your life is threatened by terrorists every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year, and you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it. Nothing is more important than terrorism.
To prove our point, we are issuing the following nationwide Code Orange Alert to every family living in the USA: Homeland Insecurity agents have obtained information from credible sources that terrorists may be hiding under your kitchen table right now.
Don't look! If you look under your kitchen table, the terrorists, who may well be armed with a new generation of deadly disintegrating laser guns, might shoot you in the head.The following are our recommendations for what to do instead:
Most importantly of all, remember: Don't panic. Freak out! Our Homeland Insecurity depends upon it.
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