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irregular times logoThe Lord of the Flag:
The Return of Gollum

It long was thought that the story of the Ring of Power ended with the destruction of its final bearer, the tortured creature Gollum. It was said that the Ring was destroyed when it was engulfed in the fires of Mount Doom.

Much was said, but the words of old scrolls have never held up well against the passage of time. The prophecies of old wizards played their part, but even more ancient creatures of the world always knew that the power behind the Ring would return, in a new form.

Clutching the ring even as he descended into molten rock, Gollum was preserved by the unrelenting power of the Ring, even as the physical Ring itself melted away. Indeed, the Ring spread through the magma around Gollum, encapsulating him in its evil, turning cold as the tightest tomb in the depths of the Earth. So the essence of the Ring held Gollum, scorched yet alive, tighter in its grasp than ever, waiting to be discovered once again. Once again, for thousands of years, Sauron's power lay forgotten.

This time, it was the search for power that stirred the spirit of Sauron. A young man, the son of a great king, was so full of the desire to prove himself that he dug a great mine, like the dwarves of old, through the barren rocks of the great desert that had formed above the fallen rubble of Mount Doom. He was in search of the darkest substance known to mankind, the black, vile distillation of life's power, crushed into crude oil.

republican gollum flag of power my precious This prince of the land of Texas dug so deep that he disturbed the ancient tomb of Gollum and gave evil a new gateway into the world. No one knows for how long the thin, crushed body of Gollum climbed up the narrow mine shaft. All that is known is that when Gollum reached the top, he was seen clutching a new emblem of power - the One Ring reborn in the form of a flag.

It was folly to believe that Sauron's greatest weapon could be destroyed by any physical act. Its essence merely waited deep in the rock to emerge in a new form that would fit with the power of a new age. So it was that the Flag of Power was first seen within Gollum's grasp, as shocked employees of the young George W. Bush saw Gollum crouch in the corner of the oil platform, caressing the Flag, hissing, "United We Stand, my precious! We stands united, my precious!"

All of the dark magic of the One Ring had been reborn in the form of that flag, the One Flag: One Flag to Rule Them All, One Flag to Find Them, One Flag to Bring Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them.

This was no ordinary flag that Gollum clutched. It had magical properties, so that whoever waved it back and forth could silence his enemies and cause all but the strongest of minds to follow commands without question. In the hands of a great king, such a Flag of Power would be irresistible - this was the thought of young oil executive George W. Bush, who jumped on Gollum and wrestled the Flag from his hands before it could be waved.

So Bush, the young Texan prince, became the next bearer of the Flag of Power, and began building his dark empire, centered on the great Enron Stadium in Houston. The dark ringwraiths reappeared, reborn as flagwraiths, waving their own little flags as they rode from town to town on their new steeds, dark and fearsome elephants known as GOPs. A new darkness spread across the land, with increasing numbers following in the same chant day and night: "United We Stand, My Precious!"

Roll around through the end of the Ribald Reign of King George the Second
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