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irregular times logoMars to Launch Pre-Emptive Strike Against Earth!

The first sign of the coming Martian invasion took place on August 11, 2004. Adolescent human Zach Stanfield was taking his dog for a walk in Jackson, Missouri when he looked up in the sky and spotted an unidentified flying object - a UFO - moving through the clouds in a circular pattern above his parents' house. Zach, a member of his school's audio/visual club, quickly grabbed his video camera and his cousin, Audrey Stanfield, in order to prove that he was not imagining things. The neighbors, Judy and Carmen Hoffman, soon came outside to see what they were looking at.

It was then that the human foursome heard the strange voices drifting down from the UFO. It seemed that two distinct beings on the alien spacecraft.

"Are you sure we ought to be doing this?" asked the first voice.

"Put all doubts aside," said the second voice. "We are now over the home state of their leader of Justice, Mr. Asscoughed is his name, I believe. It is by his standards that we must judge the future of the Earthling Empire."

"But they look so still and undisturbed. Must we?"

"This is precisely the problem. These people have supported a brutal government that tortures and slays thousands upon thousands of their fellow Earthlings, and has developed the greatest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction ever to exist on Earth. Yet, these American Earthlings here do not seem to be bothered one bit. In fact, they are on the verge of choosing to continue on this course of rampant carnage for another destructive four years."

"But they are no threat to us, surely!"

"Do not seek to appease them, my friend! Their leader, Mr. Bush is his name, I believe, has announced plans to invade the Moon, and then to send an occupation force to our home planet, Mars!"

"But sir, they are unready to do so. Their technology is far behind ours. Besides, Mr. Bush has completely bankrupted the Earthling Empire in just a few years. Surely, Mr. Bush has no ability to carry through on his threats."

"We must judge the Earthlings according to their own standards of Justice. As we see in the recent case of the invasion, of Iraq, I believe it's name to be, the lack of any real threat must be no impediment to a pre-emptive invasion. As Mr. Bush's eloquence proves, Earthling culture only requires the presence of a sufficiently fear-inspiring public relations campaign to serve as ethical justification for a military attack."

"But must we not attempt to do better than these primitive Earthlings, sir?"

"It may seem so, but we must follow the standard of Earthling culture, and attack without real provocation. Besides, the Emperor Bush has shown great brutality. We will be welcomed as liberators. Prepare the announcement, in the local dialect as detected in their radio transmissions."

UFO flying saucer photographZach and his friends were awestruck at this extraterrestrial conversation, but they had no time to discuss its implications, for before any of them could open their mouths to speak, they hear a loud declaration coming from the UFO, given in a voice quite similar to the kind used to announce used car sales, county fairs, and ladies night specials on the local top 40 FM stations. Here you can see a photograph taken from the actual footage of the UFO shot by Zach Stanfield at the time.

"We have studied your Earth politics," the loud, gravelly voice said, "and decided to launch a pre-emptive invasion of your planet before you are able to vote for Bush again. You are authorized to greet our soldiers with flowers."

At that, Zach, Ashley, Judy and Carmen saw a great flash of light emanating from the UFO, which sped off, in the direction of the nearest Wal-Mart. After calling their relatives in Provo, Utah, Zach and Ashley reported the incident to the Department of Homeland Security.

In response to the threat of an imminent Martian invasion, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge raised the terror alert level to Code Orange, and advised Americans to go about their ordinary business, but to seal the windows and doors of their houses shut with duct tape and plastic sheeting.

Soon afterward, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced at a nationally-televised press conference that the resources of the Department of Justice had been mobilized. "Although the forces of little green alien evildoers are upon us," he said, "there is no reason for panic. We have sent teams of FBI agents to interview anti-Bush protesters in order to gather information that could be used to prevent an attack. God bless America!"

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