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In the election year of 2004, the stakes could not be higher. Americans are being strung up from Iraq bridges. Energy prices are soaring. The deficit booms. The chasm of job losses yawns wider. The safety net is endangered. Lies seem to be metastasizing like an invidious form of cancer, spreading to areas of political and social life heretofore untouched by scandal.
Because it matters so much who wins the 2004 elections, we have (after careful deliberation) decided to formally endorse a candidate for office. Without further ado:
We have become such enthusiastic boosters of Ralph Nader that we cannot limit ourselves to endorsing Mr. Nader for only one Presidency. No, we think he’d do well on multiple fronts. His talents, charisma and knowledge are, after all, without bounds. We have therefore offered a series of presidential endorsements for our dear leader, the Nadermeister, the Naderometer, the Nadir, Ralphius Rex, the R.N. who has nursed so many of us back to civic health:
As luck would have it, there's plenty of room to go around. John Kerry can run for President of the United States, and protect the world from another four years of disaster under George W. Bush. Ralph Nader can cover some other territory, like Indonesia. We support Ralph Nader for President of Indonesia, a place that not only needs a more progressive political view point, but the introduction of an additional party (not the Greens, though! Not good enough for Ralph!) into their political system as well.
We’re not talking about the nation of Peru overall. We’re talking about the understory of the Peruvian rain forest, where Ralph Nader is needed to encourage a sustainable industry based on brazil nut gathering and rubber tapping. Too much has already been clear-cut. Ralph Nader’s skill for advocacy could be well used here. And that’s why Ralph Nader for President of Darkest Peru. We would vote for him ourselves, you understand, if we were ourselves citizens of Darkest Peru, but as it is, we are not. Good luck, Ralph.
Now, the great thing about being a progressive is that you can really anticipate what's going to happen in the future, as society, you know, progresses. That's why we think that Ralph Nader's great progressive vision would just be too confined if it were applied only to the Earth's surface. We bet that Ralph Nader has lots of ideas about the ways that the human race can progress beyond the reaches of gravity, and evolve to create a grassroots, corporate-free lifestyle on other planets and even in outer space. So, we are, as of this moment, creating a new movement to draft Ralph Nader for President of Outer Space!
Mr. Nader has shown his prowess at leading a great organization, Public Citizen, that consists of people who already agree with him (however, it is interesting and important to note that Public Citizen has spent a good amount of energy announcing that they as an organization are no longer affiliated with him and do not support his campaign). If Mr. Nader were some day to attain government office, he would have to work with people who disagree with him. This is a hard transition. We think Mr. Nader is at the right stage in his career to take the next step, to run for leadership of a group in which not everyone agrees, especially about prom decorations. So we wholeheartedly endorse Ralph Nader for President of Student Council.
Speaking of prom decorations, the Rotary Club of Lakewood is planning its annual Gala to benefit the local hospital. But they haven't been able to find a caterer who can make those stuffed mushrooms with the nice crispy and crumbly bits on top. Clearly, this group is in need of some real leadership! Mr. Nader's the man for the job.
Don't quote us on this one, but we bet that Ralph has got a nice baritone going on behind that gravelly speaking voice. A little bit of weekly practice and he could be a hit! There's nothing for practice like membership in the local Glee Club, which would also be a good way for the lonely Mr. Nader to get out and meet some friends outside his line of work. We know he likes to run things, and the post is mostly about ordering and distributing sheet music anyway, so what the heck -- let's give him the title of President of the Glee Club to help nudge him into attendance. I can't wait to hear his rendition of "Three Little Girls from School Are We."
For years, Ralph Nader has promoted a vision of corporate responsibility to local communities. Wouldn't this be a great way for him to put his money where his mouth is? As this Iowa city grows, important zoning issues and disputes over growth policies and environmental impact fees are sure to arise. By moving into the Presidency of the Dubuque Chamber of Commerce, Mr. Nader would be able to gain experience in office and influence the course of development, moving it in a more sustainable direction. Talk about making a difference! What a way to do it.
The Grand High Fraternal Order of Beavers, Lodge #251, has upheld standards of loyalty, brotherhood and service since 1969. Membership has declined lately, though. It would sure be nice to have a larger membership, and Mr. Nader seems to have been able to hold down a job, and has a nice record of civic service. In his first year if elected, Mr. Nader would be Assistant-President under the mentorship of current President Felix Lock (hee-wack all high beaver!).
Of course, in this great country Ralph Nader has the undisputed right to run for whatever office he wants to. Meanwhile, we all have the duty of carefully deciding which candidates are prepared to capably occupy which offices. The above are the contests in which we would be proud to offer our official endorsement of Ralph Nader, not to mention our active support. But Ralph Nader for President of the United States? Well, of course not -- that would be silly.
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Irregular Times require talking back. Give us your Irregular Retorts! We are also eagerly awaiting original submissions of quality irregularity. |
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