The time has come for us to get in a snit.
For centuries, we have stood in proud observance of a longstanding tradition of pure porridge. Now, that tradition is threatened by smarmy liberals from Masssachusetts and California who think that they can just go ahead and make porridge any old way that they want to.
Do they realize the danger their latte-sipping alternative-menu experimentations pose to Western Civilization? They do not! Are we going to lecture to them about how very very wrong they are? Well, of course.
Let us look at a big thick dictionary to see what the definition of porridge is, has been, and always must be, if the American people are to be saved from eternal damnation. Webster's Dictionary of the English Language has only one definition of porridge, which reads as follows: a soft food made by boiling oatmeal or other cereal substance in water or milk. That's a simple definition, and normal church-going Americans don't have a problem sticking to it.
Take heed, for this definition clearly states that porridge is to be made by boiling oatmeal or another cereal in water or milk! Anything else is simply not porridge - a fact that any God-fearing American immediately understands.
But what do you think that those Massachussetts liberals are doing now? They're out to ruin our lives and destroy our treasured Institution of Porridge!
Why, do you know that in Boston, right now, they are making porridge using neither water nor milk, but apple juice?!?!? It's true! When I think of the damage that's being done to the children, I weep. This so-called food is unnatural, a moral abomination that must be stopped.
Even worse, all along the West Coast, from Los Angeles through Portland up to Seattle, free-love restauranteurs are using extra virgin olive oil instead of milk or water! Imagine! These people think that they can just take centuries of our sacred tradition of porridge and make it their own way, when the dictionary clearly states that what they are making is not porridge at all!
If we allow this insidious attempt to redefine the meaning of porridge to continue, then we will soon all be forced to eat pizza with no crust, low-carb pasta, and even - God Forbid It - sorbet! How can the family mealtime gatherings that have kept our country self-righteous for so long survive this onslaught on the Institute of Porridge?
(Um, they can't. Don't you find that terribly upsetting?)
We of the Culturally Conservative Committee for Morally Upright Gruel have brought a lawsuit against the state government of Massachusetts and the city government of San Francisco, because these governments have, in flagrant disregard with the cultural customs of our forbearers and the Betty Crocker Cookbook, refused to limit the freedom of people to cook porridge with ingredients other than milk or water.
Now, the mayor of San Francisco has authorized restaurants within city limits to make porridge in any way that they choose. Thankfully, Governor Schwarzenegger has decided to make a principled stand, and ordered the Attorney General of California to prosecute anyone who attempts to make porridge in any other way than with milk or water, as God Almighty has seen fit.
Piecemeal action is not enough to stem the tide of cultural corruption that would tolerate alternative-lifestyle porridge recipes. We must have national legislative action, and our Congress must show the moral leadership to stem the tide of unnatural, nontraditional porridge. Therefore, we of the Culturally Conservative Committee for Morally Upright Gruel have, in cooperation with the offices of Representative DeLay and Senator Bill Frist, introduced a bill entitled The Defense of Porridge Act. This bill, when it becomes law, will defend the Institution of Porridge by ensuring that no state be required to recognize the legal validity of a non-traditional gruel recipe as a porridge.
We are well aware that there is a powerful porridge-rights agenda, fueled by radical feminists, labor-unions, and terrorist-sympathizers who would love nothing more than to see our Homeland Security weakened by a lack of morally wholesome nutrition. Therefore, we are also prepared to begin a drive this year to pass an amendment to the Constitution of the United States that will define porridge as a boiled cereal gruel made only with milk or water!
Clearly, we have no other choice. The attempt to undermine the traditional definition of porridge is the most serious threat to our nation, and so can be expected to be a major issue in the upcoming presidential campaign.
Oh, yes, those sneaky Volvo-driving, body-piercing liberals will try to tell you that there are more important issues. They'll try to convince you that it just doesn't matter what people cook in their own kitchens. John Kerry himself says that it's not the government's business to tell people how to make their porridge!
Well, thank God for George W. Bush, who clearly understands how serious this issue truly is. We're glad to say that Mr. Bush has the moral courage to support a constitutional amendment enforcing the traditional definition of porridge.
In the wake of September 11, we all know that everything has changed. We don't have the luxury anymore of just letting people do what they want for their own breakfast. The 1960s-era of permissive food preparation is over.
We will never forget those who gave their lives so that we could have the freedom to eat porridge! Why, if it weren't for their sacrifice, we'd all be eating tofu right now! We honor the wisdom of our founding fathers, and know that the Creator has a purpose for us as we serve our nation porridge - real porridge for real Americans.
United We Stand, for truth, justice, and the America Way of Porridge! God Bless Our Gruel, and may God continue to Bless America! Amen! Amen! Amen!
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