Rush Marketing

The other day, I was sitting in my easy chair, reading the local paper, when a familiar face jumped out at me from a half-page advertisement. It seems that Rush Limbaugh has recently expanded his corporate empire to match his ever-expanding physical empire. The man is selling neckties.

Mr. Limbaugh has christened his product line "No Boundaries Ties", in bold reference to his radio and television broadcasts. Big, bold, colorful and splashy, these ties truly know no boundaries, just like Rush himself. Mr. Limbaugh represents all that is great about America: the courage to stand up to Chelsea Clinton, the boldness to defend the victimized IBM, AT&T, GE and Martin-Marietta from the onslaughts of the homeless and dispossessed, the personal sacrifice he makes every day in the name of truth, fairness and justice. "They're All Power Ties", says Rush. How could you disagree?

I think that Macy's, Robinsons-May and Dillards, the impeccably tasteful department stores that offer Mr. Limbaugh's No Boundaries Ties, are really onto something here. The wacky wit, rougish charm and neverending charity that characterize Rush so well are sure to rub off on these stores and improve their image. But why stop with ties? Taking the "No Boundaries" line to heart, I humbly suggest the following additions to their celebrity product lines. I'm sure they'll fit in.

1. Marge Schott's No Boundaries Baseball Gear. Tired of using the same old mitts, balls and bats and getting the same old results? This new line of baseball equipment, personally designed by Marge Schott of the Cincinnati Reds, is sure to make a difference in your gameplay. With a MargeMitt, you may not be guaranteed to catch every fly ball, but you sure will catch a lot of flak. Use a MargeBall at the mound and all kinds of strange and interesting things will be pitched forth. To complete the set, slip a MargeBat into your opponents' hands and they will be sure to foul out, although they may be good in the beginning. Finally, just in case a bench-clearing brawl breaks out, be sure to consult the Marge Schott Etiquette Guide and learn the appropriate thing to say when you're bashing your opponent's face in.
2. David Duke's No Boundaries Eveningwear.Mr. Duke's fine line of eveningwear is led by a rich, luxuriant terrycloth robe with hood attached. Sorry, white only.
3. Phyllis Schlafly's No Boundaries Lingerie. Ms. Schlafly specializes in corsets and padded bras to enhance and augment the feminine figure. The No Boundaries corset provides a valuable workout to the lungs as its wearer tries to breathe while tending house and children in her natural, God-given role. Available soon: the No Boundaries chastity belt.
4. Tom Metzger's No Boundaries Sportswear. You'll be ready for anything and anybody when you're wearing these! Back from prison, this plucky neo-nasty has designed his own line of casual wear, including the ever-popular brown shirt and steel-toed boots. Buy now and you'll receive free of charge a trip to the No Boundaries Hair Salon, where you can try out our newest shaved and sassy hairstyle. And remember, if you can't find the "Sieg Heil" insignia, it's not a Metzger!
5. The G. Gordon Liddy No Boundaries Pen-Light Set. Just the thing for late-night jaunts through secret files with your friends! Buy two or more and get a free shovel and bag of manure from the No Boundaries Home and Garden Department, just the thing for covering up unsightly blemishes on your record or your lawn.
   

Rush Limbaugh's No Boundaries Ties are sold only in the finest department stores that cater to the cream of society: Macy's, Robinsons-May, and Dillards. If you'd like to give them a call, drop them a note or send an e-mail message congratulating them on their excellent taste, expressing how eager you are to continue shopping with them, or perhaps even suggesting some additions to their fine wares, I'm sure they'll appreciate your input.