Attention Homeland Resident (formerly known as "American"):
Memo from the Department of Homeland Security
Subject: Protection from evildoers
You have received this message because your home has been identified as vulnerable to terrorist attack. Your home is therefore now designated as an Orange Alert zone. Because of this new Orange Alert status, everything has changed. You could become a victim of a deadly assault at any time, and should never, ever feel safe again. Dangerous evildoers are lurking everywhere in the Homeland (formerly known as "America"). Your neighbors, friends and even family members could be members of secret evildoer sleeper cells, just waiting for the opportunity to do you serious harm.
There is no cause to fear, of course. Go about your daily business as usual.
A few small changes in your household routine will protect you from all evildoer terrorist plots. In order to protect your home from the Enemy, we suggest that you follow the national model of security developed by George W. Bush, John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge.
This model consists of the following ten simple measures. Follow them, and your home will no longer be vulnerable to terrorist attack.
Good luck, Homeland Resident. Always remember, the Department of Homeland Security is behind you all the way, looking over your shoulder.
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