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IRREGULAR TIMESAttention Homeland Resident (formerly known as "American"):

Memo from the Department of Homeland Security
Subject: Protection from evildoers

You have received this message because your home has been identified as vulnerable to terrorist attack. Your home is therefore now designated as an Orange Alert zone. Because of this new Orange Alert status, everything has changed. You could become a victim of a deadly assault at any time, and should never, ever feel safe again. Dangerous evildoers are lurking everywhere in the Homeland (formerly known as "America"). Your neighbors, friends and even family members could be members of secret evildoer sleeper cells, just waiting for the opportunity to do you serious harm.

There is no cause to fear, of course. Go about your daily business as usual.

A few small changes in your household routine will protect you from all evildoer terrorist plots. In order to protect your home from the Enemy, we suggest that you follow the national model of security developed by George W. Bush, John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge.

This model consists of the following ten simple measures. Follow them, and your home will no longer be vulnerable to terrorist attack.

  1. Sing "God Bless America".
  2. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
  3. Hang an American flag from every window.
  4. Dump all your French salad dressing down the toilet. Don't forget to flush!
  5. Revoke the Bill of Rights now, before it's too late!
  6. Call Tom Ridge to request a personalized wiretap of your household telephone and Internet lines.
  7. Invade and occupy your neighbors' houses. Sell their furniture to cover your expenses. Your neighbors are almost certainly planning to do the same thing to you, so it's legal.
  8. Look to see whether Osama Bin Laden is hiding underneath your bed. You never can be too careful. Terrorist sleeper cells are everywhere!
  9. If anyone in your family questions these measures, lock them in the basement. Do NOT provide them with a lawyer!
  10. Tune in to Fox News for further orders as the Department of Homeland Security continues to plan for the New Patriotic Order.

Good luck, Homeland Resident. Always remember, the Department of Homeland Security is behind you all the way, looking over your shoulder.

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