In what will certainly be remembered as the most remarkable discovery in the history of astronomy, and perhaps in the history of all science as well, the Cassini-Huygens mission team announced that the Huygens probe on the surface of Titan has discovered signs of intelligence life. Mission scientists described the evidence as "incontrovertible".
Along with photographs of unexpected lakes and riverbeds, the Huygens probe has also sent a photograph of patterns in the Titan soil that could only be created by life, and by life with an intelligent purpose. "We've landed probes on the Moon, Mars, and asteroids, and done fly-by missions close to comets," said Benjamin Lukin, director of the mission's radiometric engineering team, "but we have never seen any geographical formations like these."
An anonymous source within the Italian Space Agency has informed Irregular Times that there are reasons to believe that the markings in the Titan soil near the Huygens probe were made purposefully, by creatures who were aware of the probe's planet of origin and wished to send a message back to Earth. "We can only conclude that they have been intercepting our communications, and have been keeping close track of events on Earth. The Titans seem to have a very good knowledge of recent Earth history, and appear to be interested in our political systems," said the source.
It is not yet known what the Titan civilization calls itself, or even what the inhabitants of Titan look like, but mission scientists know this much: They are not Republicans.
The photograph, released here for the first time, shows clear, if ungraceful, writing in the Titan soil. It is estimated that the writing is less than 10 meters from the Huygen probe. It reads: "Titan to Earth: Impeach Bush".
The Bush White House has been quick to counter the message from Titan. George W. Bush released an immediate statement declaring that the message appears to have been the work of "evildoers who hate the Earth because we have freedom". At his confirmation hearing in the U.S. Senate, Alberto Gonzales insisted that American troops have not tortured any prisoners held on Titan, but commented that it would of course be within the legal power of the President to torture extraterrestrials if it was necessary for the sake of national security. Donald Rumsfeld held a press conference at which he shook his head commented, "Come on! This is ridiculous! I mean, does anyone really, you know? Come on! What is wrong with you people!" In a separate appearance, Dick Cheney suggested that the Titans be deported from the solar system, and declared all planets past Mars to be classified top secret.
Armstrong Williams, in a guest appearance on Rush Limbaugh's daily radio show, suggested that the message was the result of an undue influence from the European Space Agency, which partnered with the American Jet Propulsion Laboratory to launch the Cassini-Huygens space exploration mission. "We should not forget," Williams said, "that half of this mission was paid for by the European Union, which I myself have never trusted. After all, the French surrender monkeys are Europeans, and I don't think I need to say more about that. I mean, with the European contamination of this mission, the aliens on Titan are probably now having wine and cheese. This would never have happened if the Social Security had been privatized." It is not yet known if Williams was paid by the Bush Administration to make these comments.
In an unrelated incident, the top spokesman for the Jet Propulsion Library had to be replaced after he lost his voice. Apparently, the strain of saying "Huygens" all day was too much for his vocal cords to handle.
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