IRREGULAR TIMESNow it can be Told: The Real Traitors in our Midst

As the latest war against Iraq began in earnest in March of 2003, Liza Porteus of FOX News reported on stubbornly persisting anti-war protests:
Some experts said the demonstrations could compromise homeland security, however, particularly when the nation was on high alert.

"If it takes 30 or 40 police officers to keep order at a demonstration and arrest people for civil disobedience...they're not out on the street looking for the bad guys," David Cid, a former FBI counterterrorism expert and current president of ther Salus International security firm, told

"As we escalate this threat level, the public safety response is really to have a larger police presence on the street," Cid added. "Anything that takes away person-hours from that effort certainly can be problematic."

All demonstrations, particularly the disruptive...ones, drew attention away from other homeland security efforts, some experts said.

"I think it's almost certainly the case that people are being distracted by these activities," Frank Gaffney, president of the Center for Security Policy, told "More than just minding them, we've got to try to prevent them from doing harm. At time of war, that can translate into aiding and abetting the enemy -- that crosses a potentially important line."

My friend Georgina snorted when she saw Porteus' story. "I bet those so-called experts are all in bed with each other," she said, then made me watch her do a big old search on the Internet. It turns out that Frank Gaffney has used David Cid as an expert in his own editorials, and Gaffney's most commonly cited source for news links on his organization's web page is none other than the arch-conservative Front Page Magazine, the favorite news source of which is... yes, that's right... FOXNews. "Experts, HA! It's just as Noam Chomsky said: another example of the racist sexist homophobic conspiracy inherent in the imperialist designs of..."

"Oh, can it," I responded to Georgina as I walked off in a deep funk. This news report troubled me, and I wanted to find out more about these anti-war protesters and their nefarious aims. At Front Page Magazine, head honcho David Horowitz set me on the straight and narrow with the following information, quoted directly from his web site:

"My friend, there is a Fifth Column in America, an enemy within. It's the so-called 'peace movement.'... Radicals have targeted America's transportation systems, military bases, government offices, financial centers, and even medical centers! They do this knowing they are going to draw vital resources away from our Homeland Security network and leave us -- you, your family, and me -- in danger!... These actions will tie up Homeland Security forces and create a golden opportunity for domestic terrorists."

Well, hang on a minute here:

What's up with these phrases? Well, "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" is the classic operational definition of Treason, which is the line that Gaffney obliquely asserts has been crossed. The phrase "Fifth Column" originally refers to a secret army engaging in war behind enemy lines, but more recently refers to citizens who in their activities make it easier for the enemy to win. These citizens, the argument goes, can be objectively defined as the equivalent of enemy combatants. Looking at the results of their actions, they can be classified as traitors.

Summing up Gaffney, Cid, and Horowitz, the claim can be stated in one quick and easy sentence:

By drawing police resources away from the effort to track down terrorists, protesters are engaging in acts of TREASON.

Hey, I can work with that statement: in the age of Bush, simple is good! With this simple information in hand, I can easily identify what is bad (TREASON) and how to identify it (an act that draws police resources away from the Grand and Holy War on Terror, Fear and Evil Things).

With these resources, I am enlisting myself in that hale and hearty band of citizens fighting against evil. I offer my services in ferreting out the traitors in our midst. But WHO ARE THEY? Sure, those anti-war protesters count, but thanks to Generals Gaffney, Cid and Horowitz and the Department of Information at FOXNews, we already know this. More important are the hidden, as yet unidentified traitors. Who may they be? In the section that follows, I apply the above criterion offered by our heroic citizen Generals to find the real pro-terrorists.


  • Easter Paraders. Do you know how many hours it takes to set up parade barricades in every city, county, parish, and podunk town in America? Do you know how many police hours are spent staffing an Easter Parade, with a squad car at the beginning and end of the parade to accomodate that Fifth Column Bonnett-Wearing Crowd? No, I bet you namby-pamby liberals don't! Well, get with it -- in this Age of Terror, we must all be vigilant for accomodators and comrades of Osama bin Laden. Instead of riding next to Miss Delaware County on the float, the Sheriff of Delaware County could be out there looking for the next Mohammed Atta. Don't let their catchy show tunes and choice of pastel in dress deceive you - Easter Paraders are aiding and abetting the enemy. Verdict: Traitors!

  • The Irish. Different occasion, same problem. On March 17, in the very moments that our dear boys and girls in uniform were preparing for combat in the desert, Irish-Americans decided to organize parades. Typical selfish East Coast liberal behavior, if you ask me. More cops turned out to monitor the parade, cops who could have been looking for the terrorists! Later the same night, police resources are drained from the War on Terror to maintain sobriety checkpoints on the roads. Is a beer really so much more important than keeping the Ayrabs from slipping past our gate? I don't THINK so! Verdict: Traitors!

  • Pro-War Demonstrators. When those pro-war demonstrators show up to taunt anti-war demonstrators, the police have to come out in gear and stand around them to keep physical altercations from busting out. These same cops could have been on the job nabbing towelheads with bombs! For shame, pro-war demonstrators! In your misappropriation of police resources, you cross that line! Verdict: Traitors!

  • Baseball Fans. Talk about a police nightmare: have you ever been to a Yankees game? The police are everywhere, keeping rowdy fans in check, looking out for robbers drawn to the game and making sure traffic is maintained. These fine officers could have spent their time checking through the latest boxcutter inventories. But noooooooooo, instead they're spending their time refereeing for spectators at an overgrown sandlot! For shame, baseball fans! Your actions tie up the forces of Homeland Security and create a golden opportunity for domestic terrorists! They've got a word for people like you...Verdict: Traitors!

  • Drivers. Think about it: how many traffic cops are there across the United States, ticketing the speeders and watching the rest of us? How many thousands? The only reason these members of the police force aren't available to be checking out the local mosque is that SOMEBODY decided it was a nice day for a drive. And this isn't just one SOMEBODY -- it's a whole lot of SOMEBODIES, all at the same time! Coincidence? I think not. This Fifth Column has entered a no-passing lane: it must be held accountable for its objectively pro-terrorist actions. Verdict: Traitors!

  • Air Travelers. Every air traveler who is not a terrorist and waits in line at the security station is, objectively speaking, a decoy. Because only a small percentage of air travelers are actually picked out for searches, the more non-terrorist air travelers there are, the less likely it is that an actual terrorist will be searched and discovered for the evildoer that she or he is. In short, air travelers by their very presence draw law enforcement resources away from effective activity. If you're on an airplane and you aren't a terrorist, what are you? Verdict: Traitor!

  • People who own Nice Stereo Systems. Economists say the world runs off just two things: supply and demand. Burglars demand high-end electronics for their black market activities, but they couldn't traffic in them if there weren't any high-end electronics just hanging out willy-nilly in other peoples' cars and homes. Those who purchase nice stereo systems create a supply for burglars, which means that there are more burglars out there, which means... that's right, more law enforcement power has to be pulled away from the vital War on Terror to catch thieves. Objectively speaking, people who own nice stereo systems give aid to the terrorist cause.Verdict: Traitors!

  • Schoolkids. These days, it seems just about every public high school has at least one school cop. How many thousands of public high schools are there across the United States? Hmmm? Well let me tell you something, bub: that makes for thousands of law enforcement officials who COULD be out there looking for the terrorists RIGHT NOW! But instead, we are forced to divert these valuable resources in our national struggle because some well-bodied layabouts have decided they'd rather take a free education from our government (ANOTHER diversion of resources!) and put police officers in the position of having to monitor their behavior. How pathetic. Verdict: Traitors!

  • The President. Person for person, the single biggest drain on the resources of law enforcement officers is the President of the United States. He's got White House Police, honor guards, military escorts, and a whole intelligence and enforcement operation (the Secret Service) with the mission of ensuring his personal security. That's hundreds, if not thousands, of law officers distracted from the Great and Grand War on Terror, just to protect ONE MAN! To add insult to injury, these nefarious activities are carried out on government property! How nasty. How rude. How selfish. By his actions, this man has shown himself to be in league with the terrorists. He must be held accountable. Verdict: Traitor!

    Clearly, the situation is much more serious than I had first imagined. It appears the majority of Americans holds membership in this treasonous Fifth Column. It must be true -- I am, after all, only operating off the principles laid down by the objective truth-tellers at FOXNews.

    Something must be done. Traitors must be brought to justice. But I leave you with problem: who should a red-blooded American call in to nab these criminal Quislings, these daring Benedict Arnolds? The last thing you should do is call the police -- after all, by distracting them from the hunt for those invisible yet surely present terrorists, you would be committing an act of treason yourself. In anticipation of this possibility, and in the interest of efficiency in this age of strained police resources, I suggest that you simply skip that phone call to the cops and just turn yourself in at the local prison. You'll be secure, out of the way and no longer an object of concern, freeing the police to do their real job -- catching terrorists.

    That'll show the terrorists!

    I think therefore i am a traitor

    Do the right thing. Get on back to Irregular Times

    Don't let us do all the talking. Talk back!
    Send us an Irregular Retort!

    We're eager for your contribution. Get your thoughts down, organize them coherently into an irregular essay, then submit it to us for publication!