Last week down at the fire hall, we had the kindness of a guest lecturer from some university down in the Utica area. His talk was called "Fertility Goddesses of the Dawn: Pre-Christian Easter Celebrations and the Cycle of Womanhood." Some young audience members of the female persuasion noted that such a natty dresser had not been seen in these parts for some time, but more to the point, he said some very smart sounding things about how the resurrection of Jesus is really some kind of story about having sex and getting pregnant instead of dying. Something about the psychoantilytical theory. That's all well and good, I suppose, but my question is what kind of reflection does this have on our volunteer firemen? Word's gotten around town , and now some are saying that they won't be coming to the bake sale this year. It's like what they say about the best layed plans: that it's not for you and I to look into private matters like that, even if it is Jesus and all who are involved in it. I mean, if God had intended us to go around having sex, He would have given us... Oh, well you know what I mean.
A friendly reminder comes to us this week from the Optomist Society of Sydeville. It seems that one of their junior members, Lucinda, was preparing her second annual family Easter egg hunt when she discovered the remains of the first annual family Easter egg hunt still hidden under her prize rose bushes. No wonder the slugs had stayed away during last Fall's rains! We're told that Lucinda has learned two lessons from this ordeal: first, never to hide something so well that it can't be found and second, to trust the wisdom of your elders in our town's more well-established civic clubs. I wonder what the chickens do to keep their own eggs from going bad.
Seems that Jerry, owner of our Big-T grocery store has had some problems moving his Easter candy stock. He claims that too many women are on that new low-carbohidrate deduction diet that's so popular these days. The gas station up on the hiway is all sold out of its copies of the bestseller diet guide "Doctor Akins' Delicious Waist-Away Diet" and that the womenfolk of the village are keeping their husbands and kids away from the traditional jellybeans and chocolates too. Jerry says that he sells most of the candy after eight o'clock at night, just before closing, when the wives are watching ER. George Clooney never could measure up to his aunt Rosemary in my book, but then that's why they pay me the big bucks to produce TV shows, right? Jerry may end up donating the leftover marshmallow treats to local charity like the medical clinic in Bayberry. I hear tell they're all out of peppermint candies for diabetics. Just goes to show you that a stitch in time saves nine.
That's what's going around these parts this week. Don't forget to attend the pancake dinner fundraiser for Wanda's boy in Atlanta. Why a boy in that condition would go so far from his family in his time of need is beyond me, but that's what keeps the corn and the wheat from mixing, I always say.