the odd clock IRREGULAR TIMES

Just Imagine What Could Have Happened!

Those who support the invasion of Afghanistan use all kinds of arguments to compensate for the basic fact that there is no evidence that the invasion has actually prevented a terrorist attack. One of their favorite tactics is to say that if the United States had not overthrown the Afghan government, another terrorist attack within American territory would certainly have occurred by now. They note that there has not been another large scale terrorist attack since the invasion of Afghanistan, arguing that the lack of an attack during this time is proof that the invasion has been a successful tactic.

Extending the Could

return to irregulartimes.comWell, I say we ought not to allow the military to take all the credit for our national security. What most people don't know is that I've been wearing a special lucky charm ever since last November. You'll note that there haven't been any terrorist attacks on American soil since then, and it's a good thing. Using the rigorous logic employed by the Department of Defense, we can see that if I hadn't been wearing my lucky charm all this time, the United States would surely have suffered another massive attack, and thousands of people would have died. We probably ought to increase federal spending on lucky charms.

Following this line of reasoning further, we can see that because the anthrax attacks against American journalists and politicians occurred around the same time that the United States invaded Afghanistan, the invasion itself is to blame for the anthrax crisis. If we had not invaded Afghanistan, the anthrax attacks would never have occurred.

irregular actionAnother factor in the mysterious anthrax attacks of the autumn of 2001 is the song "God Bless America". If you look back at the newspapers from the time, you'll notice that it was just after politicians began singing "God Bless America" at large public gatherings that the first envelopes containing anthrax began arriving at their offices. Was the song some kind of signal to secret terrorist cells hidden in Houston, Texas? We'll never know for sure, but we can say for certain that if only those politicians could have restrained themselves from singing "God Bless America", the American people never would have had to suffer the terror and inconvenience of having anthrax spores drifting about the nation's capitol.

Mea Culpa Coulda

I have to acknowledge, in the interest of fairness, that I am to blame for the selection by the Supreme Court of George W. Bush as President. You see, I was living outside of New York State when the five conservative members of the Supreme Court decided not to allow some votes that were cast for Al Gore in Florida to be counted. As a result of that decision, George W. Bush was allowed to take the position of President of the United States. Now, I've noticed that ever since I moved to New York State three months ago, the Supreme Court has not made any decisions that result in George W. Bush obtaining the authority of the Oval Office. So, I figure that so long as I keep living within New York State, the next time there's an election, someone other than Bush will be elected to go to the White House. To the Democrats who are reading this book, I apologize for not moving to New York State sooner. I promise that I just didn't know that I had the power to control the outcome of a presidential election by choosing where to live. Well, in compensation, I promise never to establish residency in another state. In this way, I can guarantee that George W. Bush will never be President again after this term is over.

Some picky critics claim that this sort of reasoning is invalid. They say that the fact that one event occurs subsequently to another event does not establish a causal relationship between the two events. They claim that the perception of alternative paths of history that would have been created if different decisions had been made is nothing more than a mental illusion. They talk about rigorous standards for understanding the relationships between different historical events.

j. clifford cookOi! Such talk confuses me. All I know is that ever since I started writing this essay, there has not been a nuclear explosion. If I was to rewrite or even reconsider the ideas that I've discussed here, it could threaten civilization as we know it! Given that the stakes are so high, I'm sure you'll understand when I ask you to trust me on this one.

J. Clifford Cook, Irregular Times contributing writer




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